How to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her

Once she knows, the first thing to read is how fast and how direct she is. Some people go quiet for hours and then ask one hard question. Others send a single line that is all anger, or a flat "okay" that means she is already gone. None of these are a verdict on you yet. They are her getting her footing.

Watch for whether she is asking what happened, asking whether it is over, or asking you to prove you are sorry. Those are three different conversations. If she asks what happened, answer that and nothing more. If she asks whether you are still together, she is deciding something real, and you should not try to talk her out of the answer.

The first kind is the plain statement: say that you slept with someone else, that it was wrong, and that she deserves to know. Its job is to end the lie. You can tell a draft is this kind because it contains the fact in the first sentence and nothing about your feelings. It should leave out the other person's name, how it happened, and any line about how you hope she can forgive you.

The second kind is the offer to talk: a short message saying you need to tell her something in person and asking when she is free. Its job is to move the disclosure to a place where she can react without a screen between you. It fits when the news is serious and she is far away, but it should not be used to dodge the fact itself. A draft that says "we need to talk" and nothing else leaves her guessing for a worse night.

The third kind is the fuller account, sent after she has asked. It gives the timeline and what you have done since, and it should be shorter than you think. Anything beyond what she asked for turns into a second thing she has to absorb.

Expect a gap. A day of nothing is common, and so is a week. Do not follow up with a string of texts filling the silence, and do not send an apology every few hours. Each extra message asks her to manage your guilt on top of her own.

If she does not reply, one more short message is reasonable after a day or two, something that says you are still there and will answer whatever she wants to ask. If she still has not replied after that, stop sending. If she writes back later with something like "I need time" or "I don't want to talk right now", accept it as written. Respond once, briefly, and do not argue for an earlier answer.

Send the first message when you can be reached for the next several hours, not late at night and not right before you go somewhere, so that if she has questions she can ask them the same day.