What to text when he claims he's bad at texting but wants fast replies
He says texting isn't his thing, yet he's upset you took hours to respond. How to call out the double standard without being harsh.
This is a contradiction dressed up as a personality trait. When someone tells you they're bad at texting but also expects you to reply quickly, they're setting a rule that only applies to you. It's not about their texting ability. It's about them wanting control over the pace of contact while avoiding accountability for their own slow replies.
A good response doesn't pretend the contradiction doesn't exist. It names what you're seeing without anger, and it sets a boundary about what you'll accept going forward. You're not fixing him or teaching him to text better. You're clarifying that the standard has to work both ways, or you both need to agree on something different.
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Try for freeThe excuse masks an expectation imbalance
He's telling you he's bad at texting to lower his own bar. Then he raises your bar by expecting quick replies. This move works because 'I'm bad at texting' sounds like a harmless character trait rather than a demand. But look at what he's actually doing: taking hours to respond, then being bothered when you do the same thing.
This pattern often shows up early and stays. He gets to be unreliable and casual, and you get to be reliable and anxious. If you let it sit, it becomes the template for how he treats your time and your effort.
Call it directly, then set one rule
Your reply needs to do two things. First, name the double standard in a way that's matter-of-fact, not accusatory. You're not asking him to feel bad or to change his nature. You're pointing out that the rule can't be different for him than for you.
Second, give him one clear option going forward. Either you both keep things loose and don't stress about reply times, or you both try to stay on top of it. Pick one and move on. Don't offer multiple options or soften it with apologies. The clarity is the whole point.
Send it when you're calm, then hold the line
Text him when you're not upset, ideally in the middle of the day when things feel neutral. Avoid late night or right after he's done something that annoyed you. The tone needs to land as straightforward, not retaliatory.
After you send it, he'll probably either agree, apologize, or get defensive. If he agrees, test it over the next week or two. If he goes back to the same pattern, you don't need to call it out again. You already said it. Just reply on your own schedule and stop treating his texting like it matters more than it does. If he never changes, you know what you're dealing with.
Why these replies fail
“omg I'm so sorry I was busy!! But yeah I'm not great at texting either so I totally get it”
You're apologizing for the same thing he does, which reinforces that your slow replies are the problem and his aren't.
“Wow so you care about response times now? That's interesting considering you left me on read for 6 hours yesterday.”
This is sarcastic and accusatory, which puts him on defense instead of making him actually hear the contradiction.
“I think we should probably just call more often since neither of us are good at texting. What do you think?”
You're taking on the work of finding a solution and softening your point by lumping yourself in with his excuse.
Common mistakes
- Playing along by apologizing for slow replies when his are slow too
- Asking him to explain or defend what he meant, which validates the excuse
- Sending a long text back, which proves you're 'good at texting' and feeds the narrative
- Offering solutions like 'we can just call instead,' which shifts work onto you
- Staying silent to punish him, which just delays the real conversation
Questions people ask
- What if he says I'm overreacting or being too sensitive?
- That's him avoiding the actual point. You're not upset about texting speed in general. You're pointing out that he has different expectations for you than for himself. Stay on that one thing. Don't let him reframe it as you being too demanding.
- Should I bring this up in person or over text?
- Text works better here because it keeps things low-stakes and gives him space to think. In person, he can deflect or smooth it over with charm. Over text, your words sit there and he has to actually respond to them.
- What if he promises to get better at texting?
- Great. Then watch what he actually does over the next two weeks. Promises are cheap. If he goes back to his old pattern, you don't remind him. You already told him. Just stop waiting for his replies and move on with your day.
- Is this worth ending things over?
- Not by itself. But it often signals how he handles other imbalances. He wants things his way and expects you to adjust. Pay attention to whether he does this in other areas. One text double standard might be nothing. A pattern of double standards is something to notice.
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