What to text when he says he's not a big texter but clearly is
He's not a big texter but texts his friends constantly. Here's how to respond without accusing him or accepting being deprioritized.
When someone tells you they're not a big texter, they're usually managing your expectations. But then you see them active all over their socials or hear they're texting their friends nonstop. This gap between what he's saying and what he's doing is the actual message.
He might not be lying. He might text his friends about logistics or jokes, quick back-and-forth stuff that feels easy. Texting you might feel different, higher stakes, or he's just bad at texting people he's dating. Either way, you need to respond in a way that doesn't call him out but does signal you see the pattern and won't accept half effort.
A solid reply here does two things at once. It acknowledges what he said without pretending to believe the whole picture. And it creates a small reason for him to text you that doesn't feel like work. You're not asking him to change. You're just making it easier for him to reach out, and making it clear that you notice when he does or doesn't.
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Try for freeThe contradiction he's already making
When he says he's not a big texter but you know he is with his friends, he's telling you something specific about your dynamic, not about his texting habits in general. He's either found texting you harder than texting them, or he's managing your expectations because he doesn't plan to text you much, or both.
Some people do text differently depending on who they're talking to. Work friends get fast volleys about meetings. Close friends get long messages. New dating interests sometimes get silence because it feels riskier. But when a guy leads with this statement unprompted, he's usually giving you a heads-up that he won't be a reliable communicator with you. That's information you need. Your reply should show you heard it without playing along with the excuse.
How to reply without calling him out
A good reply here keeps the tone light while making it clear you understand the real message. You're not accusing him of lying or confronting the fact that he texts constantly with his friends. Instead, you're treating what he said as true, then immediately showing him that you're someone worth texting. The move is to be low-pressure and easy to text, so he has no real reason to stay quiet.
Second, you need to set a small standard without stating it directly. Don't say 'I'd like to hear from you more.' Instead, let your reply imply that you're the kind of person he'll want to text, and that you'll notice and respond when he does. Make it feel like texting you is actually a better experience than texting his friends.
Wait for him to prove the pattern first
After you reply, give him a week or so to show you what his actual texting behavior looks like. If he goes silent or takes days to respond, you have your answer. Trying to fix his texting before you've seen the pattern is pointless. Let him demonstrate whether he means what he said.
If he barely texts you after this, you need to decide if that works for you. Don't spend weeks waiting for him to be different. If the texting stays sparse and one-sided, stop initiating and see if he reaches out. If he doesn't, he's already told you twice: once in words, and once by his actions. At that point, move on rather than trying to change his mind.
Why these replies fail
“haha no worries, I'm not that into texting either”
You're just mirroring him to seem cool, which gives him permission to disappear and makes you seem less interested than you actually are.
“cool, but I do like hearing from my person pretty regularly, so just so you know”
This sounds like you're asking him to change for you, which puts him in a defensive position and makes him feel bad before anything starts.
“lol but you're always on your phone when we hang out”
You're calling out the contradiction directly, which makes him feel caught and annoyed rather than understood or interested in fixing it.
Common mistakes
- Going into how often you'd like to hear from him, which sounds like you're asking him to change for you
- Making it a joke to avoid the awkwardness, which just gets him off the hook
- Agreeing that he's not a big texter, then getting upset later when he barely responds
- Asking him to call instead, which he'll interpret as you being high-maintenance
- Bringing up that you've seen him text his friends, which reads as you watching him
Questions people ask
- Should I call him out on the fact that he clearly does text a lot?
- No. Pointing out the contradiction makes him defensive and gives him nothing to do except justify himself or ghost. Instead, let his actions speak. If he's inconsistent in how he treats you, that's the real information. You don't need to announce that you've noticed.
- What if I reply casually and he still barely texts me back?
- Then you have your answer. He's told you twice now, in words and in behavior. Stop being the person who initiates and wait to see if he reaches out. If a week goes by with nothing, accept that this is how he communicates with people he's dating and decide if that's acceptable to you.
- Is it worth bringing this up on a call or in person instead of texting?
- Only if you've already been on a few dates and have something to protect. A guy who says this early on and barely texts is still figuring out if he likes you. Calling him out in person just makes you look like you care more than he does.
- What should I do if he texts me a lot right after saying this?
- Respond warmly and match his energy. He might have been worried he'd scare you off and is testing the waters. But watch for whether this continues or drops off after a few days. The real pattern shows up after the first few weeks.
What people say after using WingAI
“She went cold mid-week and I had no idea what to say. The reply I sent felt natural and she picked the chat back up.”
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