What to do when she keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants
She says she doesn't know what she wants? Here's how to read it, reply without chasing, and decide when to stop waiting on her answer.
When she says she doesn't know what she wants, she is usually describing her own head, not making a decision about you. People say this when they like the attention but haven't worked out whether they want something serious, when they just got out of something, or when they feel pressed to answer a question they haven't thought about yet. The phrase is vague, which is why it stings. It gives you nothing to act on.
A good reply stops you from turning her uncertainty into a test you have to pass. It keeps your own position visible so she knows where you stand. It also gives her an easy, low stakes next step. You are not trying to get her to decide today. You are trying to be someone she can think about without feeling cornered.
Most replies fail in one of two directions. Either you chase for clarity, which makes her pull back, or you go quiet and wait with no signal, which lets her drift. The sections below cover how to read what she is actually doing, what your reply needs to do, and how long to wait before the next message.
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Idk here usually means not sure yet
Look at what comes around the phrase. If she follows it with a reason, like being busy, being hurt by an ex, or not wanting to rush, she is describing a real state and you can take it at face value. If it arrives with no context and she still asks about your weekend or sends you a video, she is probably interested but unsettled about where things go. The pattern to watch is when she says it, then goes quiet, or uses it every time you suggest a plan. That usually means she is keeping the door open without committing to walk through it.
The question to ask yourself is whether she is still moving toward you in small ways. Replies, starting conversations, remembering details you shared, and saying yes to plans are small signals. A string of vague answers with no initiation from her side is a different reading, and it deserves a different response.
Say what you want before asking her
Before you ask her anything else, state your own position in one line. Keep it plain, like wanting to see her again and being fine with things moving slowly. This does two jobs. It shows her you are not waiting for her to figure you out, and it gives her something concrete to react to instead of a blank space she has to fill. Then make the next ask small and specific, with a rough time in the next few days and an easy way out built in. Broad questions about what she wants pull her into a debate about her own feelings, which is the exact loop she is already stuck in.
Wait four days before checking in
The gap matters more than the message you send after it. If she gave you an unclear answer, leave at least three or four days before bringing it up again, unless she has suggested making plans. Sending a second version of the same question the next evening reads as pressure, and she will feel she has to resolve it. If the gap passes with no reply, send one short message about something ordinary, and leave the earlier conversation out of it. If she answers warmly, the uncertainty was still there but it was not urgent. If nothing comes back after two tries spread across about two weeks, stop. Her not knowing is not a reason to carry the thread on your own.
Why these replies fail
“Ok but what do you actually want then? Like be honest, I'm not going to keep guessing.”
It turns her uncertainty into a demand for a decision and makes her the problem to solve.
“No worries at all, take all the time you need! I'll just be here whenever you figure it out x”
It hands her the whole decision and signals you will wait indefinitely, which removes any reason for her to move.
“Honestly that's a bit of a red flag for me tbh. Maybe we just aren't on the same page.”
It judges her and ends the conversation before you have said anything about what you want.
Common mistakes
- Asking her to define what you are before you have said what you want
- Sending the same question again the next day to get a cleaner answer
- Going quiet for two weeks and calling it giving her space
- Treating idk as a no and dropping her without a message
- Joking so much about it that she can't tell whether you care
Questions people ask
- Does she not know what she wants mean she is not interested?
- Not necessarily. It usually means she is interested enough to keep talking but has not decided what she wants it to become. Look at what she does alongside the words. If she still replies, starts conversations sometimes, and says yes to plans, the uncertainty is probably about pace or commitment. If she is vague about plans, slow to reply, and dodges every concrete suggestion, the answer is more likely no, and you can act on that.
- How many times should I ask her what she wants?
- Once, lightly, and then let her answers show up over time. Asking again within a few days turns a loose question into a test, and she will start to feel watched. If she gives the same vague answer after a couple of weeks, the question has done its job. Your next move is to be clearer about your own position and let her decide whether to match it.
- Is it bad to say I'll wait for her to decide?
- It can be fine if you also have a life of your own and a next step. The problem is when waiting becomes the whole plan. Open ended patience with no plans, no contact of your own, and no sense of what you want usually gives her no reason to move. Keep things light, stay busy, and set a point where you stop waiting if nothing changes.
- When should I stop talking to her if she keeps saying idk?
- Stop when the pattern repeats across a few weeks and nothing concrete moves forward. Two or three unclear answers followed by silence, cancelled plans, or continued vagueness about the next step is enough. You do not need a long talk to end it. A short message saying you want something clearer and you are stepping back is a fair close, and it saves you from waiting on a reply that was not coming.
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