How to tell her you want to define the relationship instead of staying vague

When things stay undefined, it's rarely because she hasn't thought about it. Usually one of you is uncertain or avoiding the conversation for a specific reason. Sometimes she's keeping her options open. Sometimes she doesn't want to jinx it by naming it. Sometimes she's burned before and moves slow. Sometimes she's actually fine with you as a casual thing.

What matters: the ambiguity itself is making you unhappy. That's your signal to move. It doesn't matter what she's thinking yet. You're not asking for commitment. You're asking what's actually happening between you two so you can decide if you want in or out.

Say what you want to know. 'I like spending time with you and I want to know if we're moving toward something more serious, or if you see this as casual.' Or 'I'd like us to be exclusive.' Or 'I'm interested in seeing where this goes. Are you?' The words matter less than this: you are asking a real question, not hinting, not testing, not begging.

Then stop talking. Let her answer. She might say yes. She might say she needs time. She might say she's not looking for anything serious. All of those are real answers that let you actually decide what to do next. The trap is softening it so much that she thinks you're just making conversation.

Send it when you're together or during a normal daytime conversation, not after 10pm and not when she's already stressed about something else. Give her at least 24 hours to respond before you think anything is wrong. If two days pass with no answer, follow up once. Keep it light. 'Figured that might've been a weird thing to drop on you. Not trying to rush anything, just wanted to know where your head's at.'

If she still doesn't engage after that, she's already answered. A person who wants you stops talking about it and starts acting like you're something. If she disappears or says no, that's not a failure. That's you finding out what you need to know instead of waiting around wondering.