How to reply when she says she's still deciding whether to stay in the city
She's undecided about staying in the city. Here's how to read that, reply without pressure, and know when to back off.
When someone says they're still deciding whether to stay in the city, they are usually telling you two things at once: this is a real open question in their life, and they haven't yet decided how much you factor into it. It's a reasonable thing to share early on, and it's often honest rather than a brush-off. The question you're actually answering is whether you can stay easygoing about her uncertainty without making it your problem to solve.
A good reply does three things. It accepts that the decision is hers, it shows you're interested in the person and not just the answer, and it keeps the door open without asking her to commit to anything. Most replies go wrong by either pushing for a plan or ignoring the comment entirely.
You don't need to pretend you have no preference. If you want her to stay, you can say so once and lightly. What matters is that she can hear it without feeling she owes you a decision.
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Read it as honest uncertainty, not a verdict
When she says she's still deciding about the city, she is most likely describing a real life choice that involves work, rent, family, and friends, and she is mentioning it because it's on her mind. It is almost never a polite way of saying she's leaving and you're not part of the picture. Early on, it's also not yet a statement about you at all. She hasn't said whether she's weighing you in or out, and you shouldn't fill that gap with the worst version.
What tells you more is the tone. If she brings it up with some energy, asking what you think of the city or mentioning things she'd miss, she is probably inviting conversation. If it comes across flat and closed, she may be signalling she doesn't want to discuss her move with someone she's just met. Match what she gives you rather than the anxiety you're feeling.
Answer the person before you touch the decision
Her decision is about where she lives, but the message is also about how she is feeling right now. A reply that goes straight to the logistics of staying or leaving skips that. Respond to the stress or the excitement in what she wrote first, then decide whether you have anything useful to add about the city itself. If you do, offer it as a view you hold, not as a reason she should land on one side.
If you're interested in her staying, you can say that clearly once. The move is to make it about wanting to keep talking to her, not about the city. That lets her take it in without the decision getting heavier.
Reply in daylight, not at 2am
Send the reply at a normal hour when you'd be happy to talk, and don't follow up in the same evening with a second message reopening the subject. If you're replying to something she posted late at night, wait until the next day so the reply doesn't read as an emotional reaction. If she doesn't respond for a day or two, let it sit. Her silence on this topic is not a sign you misjudged her, and a nudge a few days later asking how she's feeling about the move is fine once, not repeatedly.
If the conversation keeps circling back to her move and she never talks about anything else, that is useful information. You can stop pushing on the decision and keep the conversation on other things. If she stops engaging with you entirely after you've been warm and patient, accept that and move on.
Why these replies fail
“Yeah you should definitely stay, the city is amazing and you'd be crazy to leave. What's keeping you from deciding?”
It pushes a verdict on her and asks her to justify her uncertainty before she's had room to think it through.
“Oh no, that's stressful. Let me know when you decide, I guess.”
It hands the decision back with no interest in her as a person and reads as disengaged.
“I'm literally in the same boat, I've been stuck on whether to move for ages and I just can't figure out what I want. Anyway, what are you thinking?”
It turns her moment into a comparison about you and then asks her to carry the conversation forward.
Common mistakes
- Asking her to commit to a timeline for her decision
- Making a case for why she should stay before she's asked
- Treating the uncertainty as a dealbreaker and going quiet
- Turning the reply into a long monologue about your own city plans
- Asking follow-up questions that keep her on the spot about it
Questions people ask
- Is it a bad sign if she's still undecided about the city?
- Not on its own. Lots of people are unsure about where they'll live, especially around a lease end or a career change. It becomes a signal only if her uncertainty is paired with consistent disinterest in you or any reluctance to make plans at all. Early on, treat it as part of her life rather than a judgment about the two of you.
- Should I tell her I want her to stay?
- You can, once and lightly. Say you'd like to keep getting to know her and that you'd be glad if she stayed, then leave the decision with her. Repeating it, or building a case for why she should stay, puts pressure on her and tends to make people pull back.
- How long should I wait for her to decide before I move on?
- Don't set a clock for her decision, because that makes it about your timeline. Instead, watch how often you're getting real conversation and plans from her. If you're seeing each other regularly and she's engaged, the city question can stay open. If the connection is thin, it's fine to step back whether or not she has decided.
- What if she says she's leaving and I like her a lot?
- You can express that you enjoy her company and that you're sorry to hear she's going. Keep it simple and honest. Ask whether she'd still want to keep in touch or see each other before she goes, and let her answer tell you how much room there is. Don't try to talk her out of a move she's already made.
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